Posts tagged women's health:

We’re knee-deep in tax season right now, trying to balance the LHJ budget, and it turns out that it costs a whole lot of $$$ to own a vagina. Like a lot. Vaginas are really expensive to own and operate. How expensive are vaginas, you ask?
Well, Tracie Egan Morrissey’s itemized list of vagina-costs, including tampons, birth control and gynecologists, totals $2663.02 a year. As 24/7 vagina proprieters, we’ve got some more stuff to add to that list: Supportive bras, mammograms, all manner of menopause coping mechanisms (oh yeah, women still have vaginas post 50), priced up haircuts, pink cellphones, and all that other weird shit that companies are marketing to us every day.

At first we were all like, HEY WAIT A MINUTE LET’S RETURN THESE VAGINAS. EXCUSE ME MOTHERCREATOR THERE ARE SOME UNFORESEEN EXPENSES WE CANNOT AFFORD. UNDERWATER BASKETWEAVING IS NOT A LUCRATIVE TRADE YET. IT WILL BE, BUT IT’S NOT YET. RETURN PLEASE. Alas, we already cut the tags off and lost the receipt, so no vagina returns at the great customer service counter in the sky for us. More importantly…we don’t want to. We love being ladies. The vagina stays.
Now, those calculations are based on solo-vagina support. Imagine if we had to support other vaginas in friendship, partnership, sistership, spawnship, an all-ladies cruiseship. That’s a lot of ships with a lot of vaginas to cover. SOLUTION:  We must join together. If this world wants to bleed us vagina-carrying humans dry of our hard-earned money, we will recollect it with a super-absorbent and protective blue layer of strength and political bargaining. Introducing our independent-expenditure only committee committed to lowering the financial cost of vaginas:
The LHJ SuperPAD. aka Ladiez Home Journal Super Political Action Deeds. 

Now you can donate exorbitant amounts of money to a cause you believe in deep down in your loins. With your help we’ll load up the SuperPAD with funds at the ready to battle these vagina expenditures. Because we can’t wait forever for those penis-owners on Capitol Hill to count their pennies, only to decide that vaginas are no big deal. Where do you think you came from!?!?!? Not a vagina?! Just ask Mama Santorum, even she knows. 

Helpful Post Tip: Vagina Vagina Vagina. If you are reading and drinking, go ahead and take a shot for every “Vagina.” You’ll be drunk with anger at first, and then with hope. Blacked out with hope. Sincerely, Vagina.

We’re knee-deep in tax season right now, trying to balance the LHJ budget, and it turns out that it costs a whole lot of $$$ to own a vagina. Like a lot. Vaginas are really expensive to own and operate. How expensive are vaginas, you ask?

Well, Tracie Egan Morrissey’s itemized list of vagina-costs, including tampons, birth control and gynecologists, totals $2663.02 a year. As 24/7 vagina proprieters, we’ve got some more stuff to add to that list: Supportive bras, mammograms, all manner of menopause coping mechanisms (oh yeah, women still have vaginas post 50), priced up haircuts, pink cellphones, and all that other weird shit that companies are marketing to us every day.

At first we were all like, HEY WAIT A MINUTE LET’S RETURN THESE VAGINAS. EXCUSE ME MOTHERCREATOR THERE ARE SOME UNFORESEEN EXPENSES WE CANNOT AFFORD. UNDERWATER BASKETWEAVING IS NOT A LUCRATIVE TRADE YET. IT WILL BE, BUT IT’S NOT YET. RETURN PLEASE. Alas, we already cut the tags off and lost the receipt, so no vagina returns at the great customer service counter in the sky for us. More importantly…we don’t want to. We love being ladies. The vagina stays.

Now, those calculations are based on solo-vagina support. Imagine if we had to support other vaginas in friendship, partnership, sistership, spawnship, an all-ladies cruiseship. That’s a lot of ships with a lot of vaginas to cover.

SOLUTION:  We must join together. If this world wants to bleed us vagina-carrying humans dry of our hard-earned money, we will recollect it with a super-absorbent and protective blue layer of strength and political bargaining. Introducing our independent-expenditure only committee committed to lowering the financial cost of vaginas:

The LHJ SuperPAD. aka Ladiez Home Journal Super Political Action Deeds.



Now you can donate exorbitant amounts of money to a cause you believe in deep down in your loins. With your help we’ll load up the SuperPAD with funds at the ready to battle these vagina expenditures. Because we can’t wait forever for those penis-owners on Capitol Hill to count their pennies, only to decide that vaginas are no big deal. Where do you think you came from!?!?!? Not a vagina?! Just ask Mama Santorum, even she knows. 

Helpful Post Tip: Vagina Vagina Vagina. If you are reading and drinking, go ahead and take a shot for every “Vagina.” You’ll be drunk with anger at first, and then with hope. Blacked out with hope. Sincerely, Vagina.



Ladiez Luncheon Wednesday: A Fully Sponsored Post for Choice

It’s kind of crazy that we didn’t think of this before. Ladiez Luncheon. What do we serve at Ladiez Luncheons? Tea. And where do we get that tea? Nowhere cheap, that’s for sure. So we’ve been looking for sponsorship opportunities. Who better to be a prime sponsor of a ladiez tea party luncheon than the Tea Party®? They LOVE women’s issues. They are ready to “focus like a laser” on the important stuff and spend precious government time/dime discussing ladiez things than less pressing matters, like job creation.  
 
Ladiez Tea Party
® Luncheon, Brought to You by The Tea Party®

Tea Party
® Server: Hello and welcome to this afternoon’s Ladiez Tea Party® Luncheon & Tea Party®, brought to you by the Tea Party®. So glad you were able to take off from your busy unemployed schedule to join us this afternoon. Choose from any one of our wide selection of teas:

Green Tea for Godless Hippie Skanks
OR
Green Tea for Godless Hippie Skanks

Now, to make this afternoon most productive, I’ll give you a little overview of the baked good options. You need to be fattened up for harvest! We’ve got Tea Party® scones and Tea Party® cakes and Tea Party® macaroons and…you know what? There really is no reason to have anything but macaroons at a tea party. Come to think of it, we’re all pro-macaroon here, right? Good. Well, then that’s settled then. We’re only going to be serving macaroons. Why would you want anything else? Who wants choice when you can have macaroons?!!?

**These aren’t macaroons. But it is white people with finger foods.**

LHJ: You mean we can’t decide for ourselves?

Tea Party® Server: You really don’t know what’s best for you and your body.

LHJ: Okay. We gotta go. Not to be dramatic, but we’d rather die than attend this tea party.

Tea Party
® Server: That’s cool with us, too. You’ll have to abide by our Tea Party® rules anyway. They’re being enacted into law!! Enjoy your meals.

The Must-Diet Haves for Fall

Big news on the docket this week at Ladiez Home Journal: Occupy Wall Street Skinny Jeans. We’re looking for the next best way to lose weight in the shortest amount of time. Because #1 Issue for women=skinny. Who has time to NOT look model thin for jeggings? Here’s what we’ve tried so far:

Bikini Bod Diet: These pre-packaged meals actually reconfigure the fat molecules in your body to sit where your swimsuit covers, so all of it is in your mid-back or pubic bone.

Juicy Juice Cleanse: A steady IV of children’s juice beverages.

Mesozoic Diet: Eat what the dinosaurs ate. So, like other dinosaurs, which is super hard to come by these days. Therefore less calories = weight loss.

Not to be chronologically confused with…Futures Diet: Freeze dried ice cream. For all meals.

Local, Organic Diet: Organized plan of drinking up sunshine and breathing air.

Unfortunately, each of these worked for 1 week, but did not make the kind of transformative changes we were looking for. Simply put, they were not getting us back to the smallest we’ve ever been. If memory serves us correctly, and our understanding of biology, size, big and small then…how did we not think of this before?! We need a diet that will get us into the skinniest, smallest size of our lives: 8 pounds, 8 ounces.

Getting Back to Your Baby Weight
Meal plan: Portion-controlled breast milk servings, pureed everything.
Exercise: Crawl everywhere
Lifestyle changes: Bone shaving, still working out the FDA approval of our excess skin reduction ointment, (don’t worry your head can stay the same size)

Side effects definitely include: Pain and suffering. BUT you’ll fit into a real onesie.

Jealous?