Romney’s Healthcare Plan for Women

Mitt Romney knows about the real issues that affect women. He hired one once! Her name is Ann. Basically, he knows what it’s like to be a woman in this country.

Armed with that intimate knowledge, Romney is well on his way to wooing the largest voting constituency and what better time to reveal his healthcare plan for women then right before tonight’s debate. You might be thinking to yourself. What? Romney? Plan? That’s strange. But it’s real. And we have it!  An LHJ exclusive. Straight from Rafalca’s mouth:

Rom Your BODney
By Williard Mitt Romney, GOP Presidential Nominee, Former Governor of Massachusetts and Amatuer Gynecologist

Abortion: This section of my health care plan is really special, because I decide for each and every case if we will cover your abortion. Talk about personal service! Usually I’ll cover abortions for really really terrible circumstances like when the mother’s life is at stake because alien eggs have been forcibly laid into a her stomach. If a woman gives consent to an extraterrestrial being, becomes pregnant and then decides that it might not be the right time for an alien baby… well, sorry I’m not sorry, but I’ve decided that you’re going to keep it.

Life begins at implantation. 

Contraceptives: Women are delicate like flowers. And so I like to leave my opinion on contraception up to a bouquet of God’s finest daisies. What’ll it be today? Let’s find out: She gets contraceptives. She doesn’t get contraceptives. She gets contraceptives. She doesn’t get contraceptives. She gets contraceptives. She doesn’t contraceptives :( The answer is clear. We can try again tomorrow.

This is also a good abstinence activity. 

Mammograms: Mitt is the tits! (I have a sense of humor, ladies!!!) But seriously though, just so everyone knows, boobs are cool. I am all for them aesthetically. Also, they don’t seem to need that much upkeep. So we’re taking all that money we spend on Planned Parenthood and funneling it somewhere worthwhile: a charitable organization that provides Mormon sacred garments with a built-in shelf bra for every eligible* woman in America. No breast left behind. 

I made this myself! With my humor! 

Pre-Existing Conditions: This one’s important, so pardon me while I climb up on this gold soap box, which incidentally is filled with my favorite Himalayan hand-picked lavender and lynx milk soap. If you are a woman with pre-existing conditions, we won’t turn you away. Specifically, if you are a woman born without ligans foveas, which is a very serious condition indeed. Do not fret. My plan will completely cover your three-hole-punch surgery, no questions asked. Now you can get back to living your life in the binder of qualified females. Ann loves it there!

Science! Medicine! You’re gonna like the way you look. 
________________________________________________________________________________

HE GOT THERE. You thought he was just going to forget about the bit about women in binders after the internet played around with it for a whole week but he didn’t and now he’s putting it into law!  If that doesn’t sound like Mitt Romney knows women, well then twist your own arm and bully yourself into belief.

*For all qualified females who worship the correct God, above the age of 23 but below the age of 75. No uglies. No sluts. No weirdos with strange hairdos. No atheists. Noone who eats any kind of dairy or processed sugar.

How to Treat a Lady: Political Swag

Election day is less than 80 days away, and what better way to show your support than with useful/necessary products with the faces/logos of your favorite presidential candidate.

Obama and Romney certainly think so, because they are hitting the ladies hard with their 2012 Campaign Stores. But now that the Comeback Kids are on their way, these new Romney/Ryan gift totes may just tip the scales. Check out the sweet merch they want all American females and their friends to have. (But especially females. &#$@ they need your vote.)

AMERICA’S COMEBACK TOTE

Romney and Ryan are pro-tshirt and want to remind you that a politifetus’ heart starts beating at Day 0:

You’ll have a clear head to vote when you aren’t selling your body to the night. Even though it’s under your clothes, He’ll know. And by He we mean GodMitt Romney:

You’re getting sleepy, so sleepy. And so straight! That’s a real gift. For you. For America. For the world:

Romney wants you to have this big stack of Monopoly money, because Americans should earn their own damn living:

And finally, speaking of money, Romney will pay to send all non-Americans outta here. Congratulations, you illegal aliens! Think of it as a vacation, not deportation:

A successful campaign is a campaign that provides swag for all different types of voters. Especially heathens.

Originally posted at Modern Primate. 

Just to reiterate. 

(In case you’ve forgotten)

From The Desk of LadiezHJ: Why we cancelled the “great luncheon”..

Donald Trump is doing a fun bit these days called “Look at me I’m over here, with $$.” In which political criticism leads to rambling leads to indecisiveness leads to doing whatever the fuck he wants anyway.

We can totally relate to that.

And you know why? Because a terrible thing is happening. People can’t stand breakfast and they can’t stand dinner. Now, we have a Ladiez Luncheon Wednesday coming up and only two people are showing up, our roommate and our other roommate, and I give them both a lot of credit because they have the guts to come.

But a lot of them aren’t coming because we are hosts and they think we might be a guest at someone else’s luncheon and that would be a conflict of host-interest. Something we can’t do now because of equal popularity, we have a big party and you’re not allowed to have it because it’s an equal popularity provision and it’s very unfair that other friends and socialites can be at all these parties and fly around using their unlimited public transportation pass and we can’t because we run this blog called LadiezHJ. And it’s really just the best journal with the letter “Z” in it’s name. By the end of May, when we’re tired of writing about ladiez things, we’ll be able to do whatever we want and we could go to as many parties, even though your friend’s sister doesn’t want us to come because we always bring the best stuffed mushroom appetizer. And we also dance better than the general population. And at the end it’s all just impossible.

They want us to announce that we won’t go to other social events and dinners and potlucks and WE WON’T DO THAT. Because if the National Good Time Association picks the wrong person to honor as “Best Wednesday Fun Party” we, in fact, would seriously consider running. In fact, we already had our financial disclosure form made and we’re printing it in the to-be-released LHJ cookbook “Ladiez Luncheon Wednesday: A Practical Guide to Fun Parties,” because we’re so proud of the job we’ve done. We won’t agree not to go to other parties, or host other ground-breaking discussions. So we’ve decided to cancel Ladiez Luncheon Wednesday. We won’t give up on the possibility of not not doing it. We just don’t think it’s fair to us, to the country, to all of the millions of people that are following what we say because they are tired of having this internet being ripped off by China.

Wait, hold on. We’ve confused ourselves. Why aren’t we throwing this luncheon again? Maybe we should just do it.

We’re scheduling Ladiez Luncheon Wednesday for next Wednesday.

LHJ Pop Quiz of the Week

“I’ve got all this stuff twirling around in my head.”

Was this statement made by:

A. Potential presidential candidate, Herman Cain

OR

B. These girls.  

SIDEBAR TRUE/FALSE QUESTION:

We nominate these ladies for presidential candidate.