Posts tagged GOP:

2012 Iowa Republican Caucus Lowlights! 

If you missed last night’s Iowa caucus craziness, don’t worry we snagged some soundbites for you that will give you a pretty God… we mean GOOD. GOOD picture of what happened.

If you need more of a summary:

Bachman peaced.
Rick Perry has NO idea what’s going on.
Huntsman wants to play.
Santorum, Paul, Roemer are…who cares.
Mitt is on the top of his world.


Ladiez Luncheon Wednesday: A Fully Sponsored Post for Choice

It’s kind of crazy that we didn’t think of this before. Ladiez Luncheon. What do we serve at Ladiez Luncheons? Tea. And where do we get that tea? Nowhere cheap, that’s for sure. So we’ve been looking for sponsorship opportunities. Who better to be a prime sponsor of a ladiez tea party luncheon than the Tea Party®? They LOVE women’s issues. They are ready to “focus like a laser” on the important stuff and spend precious government time/dime discussing ladiez things than less pressing matters, like job creation.  
Ladiez Tea Party
® Luncheon, Brought to You by The Tea Party®

Tea Party
® Server: Hello and welcome to this afternoon’s Ladiez Tea Party® Luncheon & Tea Party®, brought to you by the Tea Party®. So glad you were able to take off from your busy unemployed schedule to join us this afternoon. Choose from any one of our wide selection of teas:

Green Tea for Godless Hippie Skanks
Green Tea for Godless Hippie Skanks

Now, to make this afternoon most productive, I’ll give you a little overview of the baked good options. You need to be fattened up for harvest! We’ve got Tea Party® scones and Tea Party® cakes and Tea Party® macaroons and…you know what? There really is no reason to have anything but macaroons at a tea party. Come to think of it, we’re all pro-macaroon here, right? Good. Well, then that’s settled then. We’re only going to be serving macaroons. Why would you want anything else? Who wants choice when you can have macaroons?!!?

**These aren’t macaroons. But it is white people with finger foods.**

LHJ: You mean we can’t decide for ourselves?

Tea Party® Server: You really don’t know what’s best for you and your body.

LHJ: Okay. We gotta go. Not to be dramatic, but we’d rather die than attend this tea party.

Tea Party
® Server: That’s cool with us, too. You’ll have to abide by our Tea Party® rules anyway. They’re being enacted into law!! Enjoy your meals.

LHJ Jumps on the GOP Logic Train

There’s a bunch of people getting a bunch of congress pants in a twist about ladies’ health these days. All this conservative doublespeak is keeping us up at night: Life is precious/let’s make homicide legal/women are for baby-making/let’s cut valuable health services. Confusing, right?

We think we’ve figured it out. You’re really fixating on this abortion thing, aren’t you? That’s why we’re taking the necessary steps to make sure we never come close to needing an abortion. That’s right. With Planned Parenthood out of the way, we’re going to the GOP for reproductive health advice. Republicans, we ladiez are taking your suggestions.

We’re doing our very best to never get pregnant. EVER.

Solution: We’re going to stop doin’ it. That’s right, sex. UGH, but wait we can’t because we’re sluts. You already made that painfully obvious. We’re women. We’re sluts. Duh.

New Solution: We’re all going to start having sex with other women. There’s no way we could ever get pregnant then and we can still have fun! Oh wait, you don’t like that either. Okay.

Best Solution: We have to stop being women. We’ll just have to buck up and be a man. Swift as the coursing river. With all the force of a great typhoon! You’ll like us then, right? If we cross-dress and defeat the Huns?

Therefore, ipso facto, Best and Only Solution= Mulan.
You’ve taken away our other options, Republicans. Now we’re just impersonating a male soldier. And you guys LOVE Disney movies and war, right?

Well, unfortunately Mulan can’t get any preventative health services, since you’ve cut off access to things like accurate information and contraception. So she gets pregnant and/or spreads venereal disease to the entire army. So we’re back to square one, where we ask the conservative right for health care. That’s what’s happening in this crazy dystopian world you’re pushing with your ammendments, GOP. A big fat Mulan circular logic.

Mulan logic