Masturpoetry
Welcome to our first annual Masturbation Celebration Poetry Slam! (finger snaps) (bongos) As you all know, May is National Masturbation Month. And since there is one whole month in our calendar devoted to celebrating self-pleasure, we’re going to put this all down in writing so we can continue to celebrate for the rest of the year. Over and over. And over.
Here’s a rhyming couplet to get us started. This piece is titled “Spring”.
‘Tis the season to explore your privates
It’s okay if you want to cry a bit.
See…wasn’t that easy? When you have inspiration, you too can be a master poet. Or should we say MASTURPOET? Try this light-hearted limerick on for size:
She Has To
There once was a Young Lady of Newkirk
Whose depression snowballed while at work
So concerned for her health
At’er desk, she touched herself
And by noontime returned with a smirk
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Haikus are about nature and extreme circumstances:
Dark is the night sky
Cicada sounds in the air
Distract from vag hour
I am so busy
Shut up roommates you will spoil
Time with this dildo
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Remember diamonte poems? That assignment you thought your first grade language arts teacher invented solely to make you contrast winter and summer and is not a real genre of poetry? Well turns out diamontes get SO REAL LIFE.
Masturbation
solo, victorious
touching, touching, touching
ecstasy, me-time, frigid, uneducated
worrying, dismissing, untouching
alone, unfulfilled
Naivete
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And we will close with this thematic acrostic:
Mappin’ the South
Afrika Bambaataaaa
Solo Finger Tango
Tickling the Nether-Ivories
Underwear Vacation
Rub a Dub Double Time
Brushin’ Your Hair
Art
This Stall is Taken
Eagle Has Landed
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Bound copies available for the first 100 attendees.
