Skittles: Do NOT have your children taste these, or it’s sexualized “rainbow.”
Lucky Charms: A gay leprachaun pushing sugar drugs? Nope.
Funfetti Cake: You may think it’s white cake, until one of your kids chokes on the blasphemy that is the poorly-concealed rainbow sprinkles.
It’s not just food, it’s things. What’s a family-loving person to do about rainbow things?!
Lisa Frank Trapper Keepers: Your kids are begging for them because they’re laced with unicorns and rainbow pandas, but you must stand firm. There will be no gay interspecies polygamy in this house.
Crayons: Crayola has made it damn near impossible to avoid a rainbow stacked box. If your child wants the 128 pack of crayons, buy 128 different boxes of them and then spend the night before school starts separating each color into its own box. They’ll thank you when they have a whole box of Jazzberry Jam and not a lifetime of weird butt stuff.
Thong sandals: Don’t you dare slip your sweaty feet into Rainbows. Ew the word thong is notfamily language.
Apple Computers: Sure they’re great, but…when that computer freezes? Oh you see a rainbow, huh? That’s the dreaded rainbow wheel of death and it has reared its ugly gay head. THROW YOUR MACBOOK AIR AWAY.
Continue reading: How to Treat a Lady: Somewhere Away From the Rainbow | Modern Primate | man, that’s deep
We are on full rainbow alert.