Primary Romance, Political Kisses

GOP primary season is in full swing and the only thing more important than finding out who is going to be America’s next Republican darling is finding a Republican darling of your very own. So many eligible bachelors ripe for the picking, and don’t forget about the married men! Newt Gingrich still has to find his 4th through 6th wives.
 
Due to high demand (no really, stop calling about it), we here at Ladiez Home Journal developed a detailed guide to finding love during the GOP primaries.
So much action!
So many white men!
So much potential for Real Republican Romance. Or as we like to call it RRRomance. Or Romance, for short.
 
On the Trail to Real Republican Romance: A Primary Toolkit by LadiezHJ
 
What to Wear
Something restrictive, preferably out of a boiled wool fabric. Definitely large-scale pearls. RED. It helps the candidates remember which side they’re supposed to be on. And that they’re out for BLOOD. We mean romance. 
Are you Caucasian? Yeah, wear that too.

Musical Seduction
John Phillips Sousa should do the trick. Patriotic brass instruments just scream intimacy. Horn blowing intimacy.

Set the Mood
Donate in advance to his Super PAC.
Create a negative ad-themed sex tape about his opponent.

Things to Say
“I don’t think gravity should be taught in schools.”
“Birth control, smirth control.”
“Marriage is between a man (point towards his heart with your index finger) and a woman (spin in a circle and land in a curtsy).”
“I’ve only had 1 glass of wine tonight. Oh wait, that wasn’t intended to be a factual statement.”

(Note: This should all be said in the privacy of a private hotel suite, not in public. Duh. Don’t speak in public.)

Some of you might be thinking: “Hey LHJ, you’re only talking about men. What if I’m interested in a female Republican presidential candidate?”
To which we would say: HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAAA

RRRomance: Behind every Republican man is a woman standing very very very very far behind him.