It’s hard to believe, but Kim and Kris aren’t together anymore. Neither are Zooey and Ben. And we’re still trying to unpack Liza and David. If only we had taken the time to look at the signs! Where were you, Body Language Experts? Where was your hand-holding analysis!?! Where was your eye contact assay? Seriously, where are you? We’ve never met one of you in real life. We could have used your expertise and foresight in predicting these fall outs so that we could be better prepared as a nation to make it through this.

If memory serves us correctly, body language experts have ALWAYS helped us figure out what’s happening in celebrity relationships. Now they can help us figure out what’s happening in yours! Learn about impending disasters, BEFORE they happen. And when we say “they,” we mean “we” because after a few classes at People Magazine’s Body Language Boot Camp, we are fully certified. Fret not single readers, our body language expertise applies to all humans with bodies.

This couple is holding hands and pointing out their favorite sights at the beach. Their parallel color palettes mean love. Super duper, eternal love.

That arm draped across her body means she’s protecting herself from something. A casual text? More like a casual BABY. Girl is pregnant. She doesn’t know it, yet. But her body does.

This woman is actually forming a backwards letter “D” with her body placement. Obviously, she wants to run away and become a DJ. Dump her, Tex, before she breaks your heart.

She’s looking away. He’s looking at her hands. They BOTH have smokey eyes. This can only mean one thing. They’re about to fight about that newt she’s hiding.

That shoulder lean isn’t fooling anyone. He’s wearing too much cologne, and he’s WORRIED about it.

They just killed someone.