The Must-Diet Haves for Fall

Big news on the docket this week at Ladiez Home Journal: Occupy Wall Street Skinny Jeans. We’re looking for the next best way to lose weight in the shortest amount of time. Because #1 Issue for women=skinny. Who has time to NOT look model thin for jeggings? Here’s what we’ve tried so far:

Bikini Bod Diet: These pre-packaged meals actually reconfigure the fat molecules in your body to sit where your swimsuit covers, so all of it is in your mid-back or pubic bone.

Juicy Juice Cleanse: A steady IV of children’s juice beverages.

Mesozoic Diet: Eat what the dinosaurs ate. So, like other dinosaurs, which is super hard to come by these days. Therefore less calories = weight loss.

Not to be chronologically confused with…Futures Diet: Freeze dried ice cream. For all meals.

Local, Organic Diet: Organized plan of drinking up sunshine and breathing air.

Unfortunately, each of these worked for 1 week, but did not make the kind of transformative changes we were looking for. Simply put, they were not getting us back to the smallest we’ve ever been. If memory serves us correctly, and our understanding of biology, size, big and small then…how did we not think of this before?! We need a diet that will get us into the skinniest, smallest size of our lives: 8 pounds, 8 ounces.

Getting Back to Your Baby Weight
Meal plan: Portion-controlled breast milk servings, pureed everything.
Exercise: Crawl everywhere
Lifestyle changes: Bone shaving, still working out the FDA approval of our excess skin reduction ointment, (don’t worry your head can stay the same size)

Side effects definitely include: Pain and suffering. BUT you’ll fit into a real onesie.

Jealous?