NFL Reveals New Sex Eligibility Rules
Boy oh boy, color us surprised. Never thought there’d be so much hullabaloo about sexuality in the NFL, a community of gentlemen who clearly have good heads on their shoulders about things like supporting their teammates. Football players are usually so open and affirming! Luckily, LadiezHJ was on the scene for the league’s most recent press conference where Anonymous NFL Executive stepped up to set the record super super straight.
NFL PRESS CONFERENCE TRANSCRIPT
Good morning, gentlemen and token lady. Thank you for joining me this morning. It’s always a pleasure to talk to you about the great sport of American Football, a pastime so beloved that just thinking about it might bring tears to my eyes if I wasn’t so full of manly man man testosterone. And, believe you me, it’s a lot. I’ll always regret the day that the ol’ powers that be didn’t let us pour testosterone directly into the Gatorade jugs. Guess we just have to stick with injecting it directly into bloodstreams (hearty laughter, mimes injecting stuff into butt). Anyway, let’s get serious here because the fact of the matter is, we really do need more testosterone in the sacred locker rooms of our NFL teams. It’s been getting a little too “flouncy” (flicks wrist daintily) in there recently, and that has got to change.
That change starts in the hearts of our most skilled players. And by heart, I mean the one located in their crotches. As we all know, the only thing that determines whether or not you’re good enough to throw, kick, block, and tackle in the Pros is if you can stick it in the right holes. “It”, in this context, being one’s penis.
You heard me. The only way to prove your adeptness on the field, your strength as a player, and your overall preparation as a man, is very obvious: sleep with a bunch of women. Which is why the NFL will no longer be accepting Virgins. Hubbub from the reporters. We don’t need to chemically imbalance the locker room or the playbook by drafting players who have not put their male penis inside a long history of women vaginas.
Let me go on record to say that football is not ready for an openly Virgin player. And by Virgin, I mean very specifically anyone who hasn’t stuck their P in a V––I’m looking at you, Michael Sam. You’ve never had real sex, so you’re not eligible. In the coming decade or two, maybe, but at this point in time it’s still a man-who-has-had-heterosexual-intercourse-many-times-man’s man game.
Lastly, I’d just like to say that this policy is only being enforced for the good of America because the NFL continues to lead the way with our testosterone torch of glory. We are losing our decency as a nation. Imagine your son being forced to shower with a Virgin man. A VIRGIN MAN! Sighs. That’s a mighty horrifying prospect for every mom in the country.
Now, unless you have more pressing questions, I’d like to demonstrate how to have sex, using this banana and cock ring…erm…doughnut.
You heard it from the professionals, folks. If it’s not P in the V than it’s not NFL Read-y.