The Youth Are At Risk
First marriage, then Glee, now even America’s school hallways aren’t safe from IT. “IT” being that ever-ominous problem lurking behind each door: The Gay.
Thankfully, Tennessee is leading the charge with a law to make sure that the moment there is a whiff of risky gay behavior in school, teachers
will be forced to will have the power to contain and quarantine IT within the student’s family. According to the “Don’t Say Gay” bill, teachers will be required to tell parents if a child is gay and will also be prohibited from discussing IT further with their students. EVER.
To go with the proposed new law, we’ve created a handbook for school professionals who will be facing these threats of gay every day. We know what you’re thinking, “It’s not my place to out these children to their families because family rejection is a real possibility, and a real problem. I want to be a source of support for my students. I want them to know that they can come talk to me about anything. I don’t want to be another authority figure telling them they can’t be who they are.” To which we say, 1. You want a lot of stuff; and 2. Do your JOB.
Educators of America, you got into this business because you care about the development of young minds. And by development of young minds we mean the close monitoring and policing of their sexual identity, so you can squash it for the rest of us. Read on!
Gay Times, Desperate Measures: The Official GOP-sanctioned Handbook
For use in situations of students engaging in, or at risk of engaging in, or perhaps you imagine him/her engaging in behavior injurious to the pre-determined hetero-ideal student type.
Student: [INSERT YOUR NAME HERE], I’m gay.
1. Avoidance. Pretend you didn’t hear them say, “gay.” If you didn’t hear it, then there’s no reason to discuss it. Hijacking an important conversation from the lips of our youth and deflecting it towards something lighthearted and fun is what education is all about. Try these detours:
“Oh! Did you say Old Bay? I love that seasoning, too!”
“No, I’m sorry. We won’t be working with clay this afternoon, just macaroni and feathers.”
“How’d you know that Macy Gray is one of my favorites! I try to say goodbye and I choke, try to grade your test and I crumble. Haha. Just kidding. Get out of here.”
2. Tough love. If the rhyme scheme fails, make sure they know you’re there to provide absolutely no emotional support. Ever. Because you might get fired for it. For example, if a student comes to you crying about his/her gay just say:
“Did somebody die? No? Well then stop crying.”
If somebody did in fact pass away and they are also coming out to you, then pat them on the back gently and say:
“I’m going to need you to stop crying.”
3. POP QUIZ. Hand out the following relationship comprehension test.
Choose the correct answer.
It’s Adam and Eve. Not Adam and Steve. Or Madam and Eve.
____ True ____Yes ____ Duh ____ Absolutely
4. Resources. Below you’ll find the names of several very well-respected
conversion camps soul-freeing foundations that may be of use to your students:
P & V Ranch
Tall Straight Narrow Pines
Boy Scouts of America
5. Hands-on activity. Tear out the worksheet from the back of this booklet. It has a series of perforated slips with the following words printed on them: sexuality, emotions, feelings, questioning, relationships, self-worth, confidence, respect, etc. Copy and cut as many as you need, then direct the student(s) in question to grab the class broom and sweep these bits of paper under the class rug.
6. Emergency snack time. If all else fails, serve tacos to the boys, and hot dogs to the girls. They can’t ask questions with their mouths full of heteroSNAXual norms.
If the student in question (-able morals) still cannot un-gay after all these helpful and heartfelt interventions, report them immediately to the parents. Whatever you do, DO NOT have a real conversation. Open dialogue takes time and effort, and as teachers we know you don’t care about your kids that much.
Follow these steps, galvanize your heart, and avoid creating a safe space for students where they can be themselves. Because this nation will be built on unfeeling, heartless automatons of information. And if you ask us, this is definitely what we should be spending our tax dollars on when it comes to America’s youth. There is absolutely nothing else that comes to mind that could be more pressing.
TIME TO BREAK FOR LUNCH! Chick-fil-a’s in the cafeteria, ya’ll!!!