Just doing some casual weeding this week, getting to the root of all evil. Whew.
Luckily, One More Soul is pumping out the gardening knowledge so that we all can learn 1. how strong family life is grown, and 2. that burying used diaphragms in your front yard is responsible for all the sexy chaos/dandelions.
Thank the afternoon margarita gods up in heaven that the Skinnygirl brand keeps adding fun drinks to their line of alcohols - and even fun TIPS. They’re teaching the internet how to #drinklikealady. Or rather, that if one has the reproductive power to birth life that she must #drinklikealady or else go through life as a sad Frumpyfemale.
We’ve got even more giggle ways to bats eyelashes drink like a skinny lady!!!!
If you have anymore tips on how to #drinklikealady send them to @ladiezhj because we have to finish this razzlematazzle vagberry cocktail. STAT.
Today’s lunchbreak for the Supreme Court hearing is sponsored by LADIEZ HJ. All sides of the table are invited!
Even with all the complex legalese thrown around in these proceedings, there’s also been a fair gross amount of “I just ate a sour lemon” face when talking about marriage equality. We’re looking at you, conservatives, liberals, heteros, queers, Corey from Ms. Johnson’s 5th grade science class + SCALIA. It seems everyone needs a reminder of some basic tongue biology. That’s why this Ladiez Luncheon Wednesday is serving up a meal full of palate-cleansing treats made to hit all the right notes. Which notes, you ask?
Today’s lunch selection will hit the following taste regions:
What we have for you today is a healthy portion of Equality - very palatable, even for the conservative tongue - then the second course hits right there in the heart and soul of your Compassion taste buds. A quick and simple 3rd course targets your Logic. Unfortunately, we’re still working on our 4th dish back in the kitchen, but be sure it’s complex flavor profile and expansive idea of freedom will get you right in the Civil Rights region.
Thank you, Chef. When humans are at the center of the discussion, we should remember that we all have the same taste buds. Also, that we all respond well to FOOD METAPHORS! (#nomSciencenom).
This just in from the newstands:
Wear something long
Wear something short
Wear a vest
Wear a skort
Wear something with a sleeve
Wear 3 sleeves
Wear something with a 2 ¾ sleeve
No sleeves
Just leaves
Wear something see-through
Wear something Sea-Doo
Wear something that you can safely pee through
Wear something leather or lace
Something to match your head brace
Layer up or layer down
Wear that one outfit from the movie The Town
Wear something tight
Wear something loose
Duck duck wear a goose (dress)
Wear all black
Wear all white
Wear that one color that is kind of green, but like blue, but more green in sunshine, but like blue in other lights and almost brown in the mirror, the one that matches your eyes
Wear two pants, which is a pair
Please do something, anything with your hair
Don’t touch your hair!
Or cut it off and wear it as a bear
Wear heels
Wear flats
Wear heel flats aka platforms aka next-level spats
Wear ear feet (Just kidding. That’s not real.)
Wear feet earrings
Try v-neck
Try cowl-neck
Try scoop-neck
Make sure to have a shirt with a hole-shaped space for your neck
Wear girlfriend jeans
Wear your boyfriend’s boyfriend’s girlfriend’s ex-fiance’s cousin’s boyfriend’s mom’s jeans
Make sure they’re clean
For this season, think recycled trees
Think bees knees
Think Mr. Freeze
Wear a tease
Wear trends
Wear the bends
Make a friend… who shares
Whether you’re pear shaped, banana boned, pickled petite or sweaty
WEAR WHATEVER YOU WANT
WHENEVER YOU WANT
WITH PRIDE
FASHION
By LHJeuss
American Fashion Poet Laureate 2013
Because we need to get over ourselves, say goodbye to winter, and start living our best Spring lives. #bestspringlife
After a long winter hibernation, we seem to have gained a lot of dead brain weight: poorly covered national events, shitty politicians, growing reproductive restrictions, and the bafflingly omnipresent Ugg boot, to name a few.
According to science, the best way to shed and shred that synapse sog is through a healthy pastime that gets you mentally and physically stimulated, like gardening! So for this year’s very first Ladiez Luncheon Wednesday, we are planting new seeds in the hopes of growing a luscious garden of good things for the spring, filled with the most succulent petals, expansive bushes, and unctuous moisture (it’s a jungle!). Choose your seed pack below, and be sure to tend daily:
Domina vita: For a fertile plot of land that develops a diverse array of awesome, groundbreaking fauna––this is a seed packet for girls doing cool shit. Everyone talks about this part of the garden with respect, love, and zero victim-blaming.
Feminus ultimus: For tall, boss-like plants. Grows best in areas with high levels of estrogen. If you’re allergic to the spread of good ideas and/or Hillary Clinton, get over it because you don’t belong in this part of the garden or anywhere on Earth.
Matrimonium aequalitas: These plants grow best when planted in pairs. Feel free to mix and match your budding couples any way you like because any combination will be as beautiful as the last. For ideal ground conditions, stay away from slippery slopes.
Uterus libertatem: This seed packet pretty much tends itself, so no need to bring your transvaginal ultrasound equipment for these plants.
Once you’ve chosen your seed pack, plant ASAP, and continue to water with conscious action and a lot of glucose. Seriously, we need to grow some good stuff like NOW.
![The Youth Are At Risk
First marriage, then Glee, now even America’s school hallways aren’t safe from IT. “IT” being that ever-ominous problem lurking behind each door: The Gay.
Thankfully, Tennessee is leading the charge with a law to make sure that the moment there is a whiff of risky gay behavior in school, teachers will be forced to will have the power to contain and quarantine IT within the student’s family. According to the “Don’t Say Gay” bill, teachers will be required to tell parents if a child is gay and will also be prohibited from discussing IT further with their students. EVER.
To go with the proposed new law, we’ve created a handbook for school professionals who will be facing these threats of gay every day. We know what you’re thinking, “It’s not my place to out these children to their families because family rejection is a real possibility, and a real problem. I want to be a source of support for my students. I want them to know that they can come talk to me about anything. I don’t want to be another authority figure telling them they can’t be who they are.” To which we say, 1. You want a lot of stuff; and 2. Do your JOB.
Educators of America, you got into this business because you care about the development of young minds. And by development of young minds we mean the close monitoring and policing of their sexual identity, so you can squash it for the rest of us. Read on!
Gay Times, Desperate Measures: The Official GOP-sanctioned Handbook
Chapter 1
For use in situations of students engaging in, or at risk of engaging in, or perhaps you imagine him/her engaging in behavior injurious to the pre-determined hetero-ideal student type.
The Problem
Student: [INSERT YOUR NAME HERE], I’m gay.
The Solution
1. Avoidance. Pretend you didn’t hear them say, “gay.” If you didn’t hear it, then there’s no reason to discuss it. Hijacking an important conversation from the lips of our youth and deflecting it towards something lighthearted and fun is what education is all about. Try these detours:
“Oh! Did you say Old Bay? I love that seasoning, too!” “No, I’m sorry. We won’t be working with clay this afternoon, just macaroni and feathers.” “How’d you know that Macy Gray is one of my favorites! I try to say goodbye and I choke, try to grade your test and I crumble. Haha. Just kidding. Get out of here.”
2. Tough love. If the rhyme scheme fails, make sure they know you’re there to provide absolutely no emotional support. Ever. Because you might get fired for it. For example, if a student comes to you crying about his/her gay just say: “Did somebody die? No? Well then stop crying.”
If somebody did in fact pass away and they are also coming out to you, then pat them on the back gently and say: “I’m going to need you to stop crying.”
3. POP QUIZ. Hand out the following relationship comprehension test.
Choose the correct answer.It’s Adam and Eve. Not Adam and Steve. Or Madam and Eve.
____ True ____Yes ____ Duh ____ Absolutely
4. Resources. Below you’ll find the names of several very well-respected conversion camps soul-freeing foundations that may be of use to your students:
Sleepagayaway CampP & V Ranch Tall Straight Narrow Pines Boy Scouts of America
5. Hands-on activity. Tear out the worksheet from the back of this booklet. It has a series of perforated slips with the following words printed on them: sexuality, emotions, feelings, questioning, relationships, self-worth, confidence, respect, etc. Copy and cut as many as you need, then direct the student(s) in question to grab the class broom and sweep these bits of paper under the class rug.
6. Emergency snack time. If all else fails, serve tacos to the boys, and hot dogs to the girls. They can’t ask questions with their mouths full of heteroSNAXual norms.
___________________________________________________________________
If the student in question (-able morals) still cannot un-gay after all these helpful and heartfelt interventions, report them immediately to the parents. Whatever you do, DO NOT have a real conversation. Open dialogue takes time and effort, and as teachers we know you don’t care about your kids that much.
Follow these steps, galvanize your heart, and avoid creating a safe space for students where they can be themselves. Because this nation will be built on unfeeling, heartless automatons of information. And if you ask us, this is definitely what we should be spending our tax dollars on when it comes to America’s youth. There is absolutely nothing else that comes to mind that could be more pressing.
TIME TO BREAK FOR LUNCH! Chick-fil-a’s in the cafeteria, ya’ll!!!](http://25.media.tumblr.com/53dd778b0e97838b31ac66f48f25fcce/tumblr_mhi7tzswNG1qd0vkko2_r1_1280.jpg)
First marriage, then Glee, now even America’s school hallways aren’t safe from IT. “IT” being that ever-ominous problem lurking behind each door: The Gay.
Thankfully, Tennessee is leading the charge with a law to make sure that the moment there is a whiff of risky gay behavior in school, teachers will be forced to will have the power to contain and quarantine IT within the student’s family. According to the “Don’t Say Gay” bill, teachers will be required to tell parents if a child is gay and will also be prohibited from discussing IT further with their students. EVER.
To go with the proposed new law, we’ve created a handbook for school professionals who will be facing these threats of gay every day. We know what you’re thinking, “It’s not my place to out these children to their families because family rejection is a real possibility, and a real problem. I want to be a source of support for my students. I want them to know that they can come talk to me about anything. I don’t want to be another authority figure telling them they can’t be who they are.” To which we say, 1. You want a lot of stuff; and 2. Do your JOB.
Educators of America, you got into this business because you care about the development of young minds. And by development of young minds we mean the close monitoring and policing of their sexual identity, so you can squash it for the rest of us. Read on!
Gay Times, Desperate Measures: The Official GOP-sanctioned Handbook
Chapter 1
For use in situations of students engaging in, or at risk of engaging in, or perhaps you imagine him/her engaging in behavior injurious to the pre-determined hetero-ideal student type.
The Problem
Student: [INSERT YOUR NAME HERE], I’m gay.
The Solution
1. Avoidance. Pretend you didn’t hear them say, “gay.” If you didn’t hear it, then there’s no reason to discuss it. Hijacking an important conversation from the lips of our youth and deflecting it towards something lighthearted and fun is what education is all about. Try these detours:
“Oh! Did you say Old Bay? I love that seasoning, too!”
“No, I’m sorry. We won’t be working with clay this afternoon, just macaroni and feathers.”
“How’d you know that Macy Gray is one of my favorites! I try to say goodbye and I choke, try to grade your test and I crumble. Haha. Just kidding. Get out of here.”
2. Tough love. If the rhyme scheme fails, make sure they know you’re there to provide absolutely no emotional support. Ever. Because you might get fired for it. For example, if a student comes to you crying about his/her gay just say:
“Did somebody die? No? Well then stop crying.”
If somebody did in fact pass away and they are also coming out to you, then pat them on the back gently and say:
“I’m going to need you to stop crying.”
3. POP QUIZ. Hand out the following relationship comprehension test.
Choose the correct answer.
It’s Adam and Eve. Not Adam and Steve. Or Madam and Eve.
____ True ____Yes ____ Duh ____ Absolutely
4. Resources. Below you’ll find the names of several very well-respected conversion camps soul-freeing foundations that may be of use to your students:
Sleepagayaway Camp
P & V Ranch
Tall Straight Narrow Pines
Boy Scouts of America
5. Hands-on activity. Tear out the worksheet from the back of this booklet. It has a series of perforated slips with the following words printed on them: sexuality, emotions, feelings, questioning, relationships, self-worth, confidence, respect, etc. Copy and cut as many as you need, then direct the student(s) in question to grab the class broom and sweep these bits of paper under the class rug.
6. Emergency snack time. If all else fails, serve tacos to the boys, and hot dogs to the girls. They can’t ask questions with their mouths full of heteroSNAXual norms.
___________________________________________________________________
If the student in question (-able morals) still cannot un-gay after all these helpful and heartfelt interventions, report them immediately to the parents. Whatever you do, DO NOT have a real conversation. Open dialogue takes time and effort, and as teachers we know you don’t care about your kids that much.
Follow these steps, galvanize your heart, and avoid creating a safe space for students where they can be themselves. Because this nation will be built on unfeeling, heartless automatons of information. And if you ask us, this is definitely what we should be spending our tax dollars on when it comes to America’s youth. There is absolutely nothing else that comes to mind that could be more pressing.
TIME TO BREAK FOR LUNCH! Chick-fil-a’s in the cafeteria, ya’ll!!!
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